Week 2: Divorce

Divorce is something that can affect so many people and in different ways.  I was raised in and LDS family in the Midwest.  One where my parents are still married, after 45 years.  Then, I married my husband who was divorced with 6 children.  Many people were against me marrying him.  To be honest, I can’t blame them, especially my parents.  When parents have an idea of who they would like their children to marry, I highly doubt that marrying someone 10 years older than you, and one divorced with 6 children, was at the top of their list. 

                My husband and I have been married for 12 years, 2 years longer than his first marriage.  It’s been a struggle in our marriage and I would say the vast majority of our disagreements deal with his divorce—whether it’s his kids from that marriage, his ex-wife, the back-child support she owes him.   My husband’s youngest child from his first marriage is almost 14.  He separated before he was even a year old.  Yet, this boy still has issues with his parents’ divorce.  In his eyes, the worst thing his parents did was get divorced, even though they weren’t good for each other. 

                Reading the articles and watching videos, from this week, I’ve gained some deeper insights into divorced couples and marriage.  One that I found interesting, is that these parents who take these workshops tend to not go back to court and have healthier relationships with their children and former spouses. Being married to someone who is divorced, who also has sole custody and primary custody of the kids, I’ve seen how taxing it can be to go back and forth in court.  However, I will say that my husband has always wanted the best for his children.  In the end, the court agreed with us and they modified the custody and they all moved to live with us full time.

                In the article from Paul R. Amato, in speaking about step families, “Stepfamily formation is stressful for many children because it often involves…adapting to new people in the household, and learning new rules and routines.” (p. 80, The Future of Children).  This has been a struggle, initially, in our marriage.  There were traditions and things I would have liked to do and things I would like to start.  However, having married someone with an “already established family”, changed the way that I participated.  Sure, I brought some things into our marriage, but I couldn’t change a lot that I probably would have done different.

                A quote I agree with in the reading is, “Regardless of family structure, the quality of parenting is one of the best predictors of children’s emotional and social well-being”.  (p.83, The Future of Children).    Having seen the negative effects of bad parenting, to the point children are removed from the home and placed with the other parent, has strained the relationship the children have with their mother.