Week 3: Threats to Marriage

These last days there tends to be trials after trials for all people.  One thing is that we stand for marriage as husband and wife and that we are true and faithful.  Just as we do those things we are asked to do, we will be blessed.  Many times, people think we are asked a lot, which may be true.  But if we are doing the little things, those add up and they aren't so bad after all.

This summer, I was part of a medical conference that just happened to be in Salt Lake City. It was for a life-threatening birth defect my son was born with, Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia (CDH).  I am the Arizona State Representative, and having my son born with this and having the conference where I have family, I couldn't pass it up. Two of the families there, were lesbian couples wo had a baby born with CDH.  I grew to love these families immensely, but it didn't take away from the fact that they have a family situation that we don't agree with.  Does that mean I need to vocally oppose them and not be friends with them? No. I was able to express our ideas on families, more in a subtle way and about who our family is, how we run our family.  What our roles are. How interesting it was, that it tied into our roles in the family having a child born with CDH.  I see these mothers, where one takes on the role of sole provider and is never home.

In the commencement speech by Elder Nelson at BYU in August 2014, he says, Male and female are created for what they can do and become, together. It takes a man and a woman to bring a child into the world. Mothers and fathers are not interchangeable. Men and women are distinct and complementary. Children deserve a chance to grow up with both a mom and a dad.  That is something that I just feel so bad about.  These mothers, are trying to interchange their roles, but these children are missing out on things.  That isn't to say these people are bad or don't offer great things to others, but there is just something about having a mother and father both in the home.

As our homework stated, Elder Nelson assured us that as we stand for marriage and as we remain true and faithful, the Lord will help us and protect us and will also bless our families. By continuing to stand fast in what we believe, and speaking kindly to others about our marriage and spouse, we will bless our families.  People have already commented to my husband and I that we have something different in our marriage. Our kids are blessed to have parents who love them and value traditional marriage.

Week 2: Divorce

Divorce is something that can affect so many people and in different ways.  I was raised in and LDS family in the Midwest.  One where my parents are still married, after 45 years.  Then, I married my husband who was divorced with 6 children.  Many people were against me marrying him.  To be honest, I can’t blame them, especially my parents.  When parents have an idea of who they would like their children to marry, I highly doubt that marrying someone 10 years older than you, and one divorced with 6 children, was at the top of their list. 

                My husband and I have been married for 12 years, 2 years longer than his first marriage.  It’s been a struggle in our marriage and I would say the vast majority of our disagreements deal with his divorce—whether it’s his kids from that marriage, his ex-wife, the back-child support she owes him.   My husband’s youngest child from his first marriage is almost 14.  He separated before he was even a year old.  Yet, this boy still has issues with his parents’ divorce.  In his eyes, the worst thing his parents did was get divorced, even though they weren’t good for each other. 

                Reading the articles and watching videos, from this week, I’ve gained some deeper insights into divorced couples and marriage.  One that I found interesting, is that these parents who take these workshops tend to not go back to court and have healthier relationships with their children and former spouses. Being married to someone who is divorced, who also has sole custody and primary custody of the kids, I’ve seen how taxing it can be to go back and forth in court.  However, I will say that my husband has always wanted the best for his children.  In the end, the court agreed with us and they modified the custody and they all moved to live with us full time.

                In the article from Paul R. Amato, in speaking about step families, “Stepfamily formation is stressful for many children because it often involves…adapting to new people in the household, and learning new rules and routines.” (p. 80, The Future of Children).  This has been a struggle, initially, in our marriage.  There were traditions and things I would have liked to do and things I would like to start.  However, having married someone with an “already established family”, changed the way that I participated.  Sure, I brought some things into our marriage, but I couldn’t change a lot that I probably would have done different.

                A quote I agree with in the reading is, “Regardless of family structure, the quality of parenting is one of the best predictors of children’s emotional and social well-being”.  (p.83, The Future of Children).    Having seen the negative effects of bad parenting, to the point children are removed from the home and placed with the other parent, has strained the relationship the children have with their mother.