Week 13: Transitions in Marriage: In-Law Relations

This week we learned about relationships in marriage, specifically that with the in-laws.  For me, this has been one of the hardest weeks to collect my thoughts on this topic.  I look at my sisters who are married and see the type of relationships they have with their in-laws.  They aren't perfect by any means, but they certainly are a lot better than how mine is with my in-laws.  I wish I could say that I had a great relationship with mine, but to be honest, that is far from the truth.  I married my husband and he was married previously.  He had a very strained marriage and his parents didn't get along with his ex-wife.  My husband will be the first to admit that the reason his parents don't like us-- is because of what his ex-wife has done.  His parents can't move on.  They have literally ostracized his own children, simply because they are from his ex-wife.  They have done it to ours that we have had, but not like the first kids.

I have tried hard to have healthy relationships with his parents.  I've tried emailing them.  They won't let us stop by, unless we "schedule a time".  They don't even call us for Birthdays, only my husband.  They will send a card in the mail only to the kids.  My children never talk about his parents.  They refer to only one set of grandparents, and that is my parents, 2,000 miles away.

We have realized, that we can't change someone.  Everyone has their own choices to act how they want to.  If we focus on our own marriage and how we can try to make it improve, then we can only hope and pray with time that others will follow in accepting us.

This year his parents celebrated their 50^th Wedding Anniversary.  It was interesting how there are 4 children, and only 3 with children.  Ours has 10, his brother 8 and the other 3.  All of the grandkids kept away form each other, due to the way they have been treated.  They had pictures up of kids on the walls, and our family only had only pictures and missed one of my husband's children.  But, his brother's family had multiple--recent, pictures of each of the kids.  Its hard to not be offended, especially the children.  However, we have done our best as the author states, "Where there are strong differences, personality clashes, or even past offenses, it is important to lay those aside at extended family gatherings and treat each other with politeness, dignity, and respect."  (Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families.").

This week was a good reminder to me, that I need to be the better person and to work on my relationship with them.  Even though I don't agree with how they have treated our children and even my husband and myself.  I need to make sure to have "regular contact and communication with in-laws", as it "sends messages that couples value their relationship with them."  I suppose it is my responsibility to open the door of communication and "disclose information...communicate openly, accept differences, use empathy", so these tools can help me have a better relationship with my Mother in Law, as our reading suggests.