Week 5: Behaviors that Negatively Affect Marriage

I really enjoyed studying this week.  I find it a little ironic that I posted either in my discussion board, or response last week about Fireproof--only to have that be part of our learning this week.  It is a favorite movie in our marriage.

My husband and I know lots of couples, as do most people.  I don't like talking about my marriage, as I feel that I have so much to learn and work on.  My husband and I tend to be more negative sentiment-type of people.  Not that we want to be this way, but I think it honestly stems from relationships and hard challenges in our lives.  So, instead of focusing on my marriage, I would like to talk about some good friends of ours.

I have known this couple for 12 years.  They are so wonderful and are truly a couple I wish we could emulate.  They have a large family, but you never seem to hear them complain about life.  Truly, I hear more about how wonderful and great their spouse is.  They definitely are a positive sentiment override, type of couple.  If I'm at an activity with them, they always speak very highly of their spouse.  They talk about how wonderful they are, or something positive about them.  It isn't in a boasting or prideful way.  It goes perfectly along with what we are speaking about.  For instance, we could be speaking about dinner and he would talk about how wonderful of a meal his wife made.  I could be speaking with his wife, and she would talk about how hard her husband works, or the service he gives to others.  I see this true on local Facebook groups we are in as well.  He is an attorney, and I see her recommend her husband for various people, for various reasons.  She could easily just say his name and number, but she lists the qualities that would draw someone in to choosing him.

Something that I strive to do is to focus on being positively about my marriage and my husband.  This way, when I'm positive, when our tough and hard times come--which they will--I'm in a situation where I'm winning as I'm being positive about the situation and to not have those things make our marriage/relationship so unbalanced.  I feel that this is something I was good at several years ago.  You want to be happy in your life and marriage.  Your marriage will be more likely to succeed if you focus on being happy and have that for your foundation, instead of having your foundation be built on unhappiness.

In John Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman describes Positive Sentiment Override as: "Positive thoughts about each other and their marriage are so pervasive that they tend to supersede their negative feelings."