Week 10: Seeking to Understand

The marital poop detector, as defined by Gottman in our reading is very important and vital to marriages.  What exactly is this?  It is when you are able tell the other spouse that something isn't right.  Just like when you can smell "poop” you can tell when something isn't right.  There was a study that spoke about being unhappy in your marriage and how this can be tied directly to the expectations that we share with our spouses.  While this ended up being proven wrong, Gottman speaks of other studies which share opposite opinions on this subject.  As Gottman stated, "really people with the greatest expectations for their marriage usually wind up with the highest quality marriages," (Gottman, 2015).  I feel this is true.  That isn't to say that their marriage won't have problems or won't end in divorce, but I feel that if you have goals and expectations you have a vision of the future.

 How might one try to incorporate this into their daily married lives?  You must make sure that you don't dwell on negativity.  We must not hold onto grudges and let the negativity stay.  We need to make sure we recognize when it is there, call it out (poop detector) when it does come in.  We need to focus if and when it comes on making sure it leaves, so it doesn't leave any lingering effects or "smells" in our marriage.

 If I had to choose the one thing I learned the most from this book, it would be to treat my spouse with more respect than anyone else.  Treat them as if they are visiting your house, how you treat guests.  You tend to be overly kind and nice and give guests the benefit of the doubt.  However, how often we find ourselves being nit picky with our spouses, and getting irritated for minor infractions.  When if they were a guest, we would probably just let it go off of our back and give them the benefit of the doubt.

 I was just thinking about how my husband and I address each other and it makes me sad.  It isn't that I'm making a conscious effort to be mean or rude, but its almost like you put your guard down and have no filters.  This isn't good.  We need to always have these "filters" on, so that we might be able to give our spouse our best self.  Not the worn down, irritated spouse who nags them about every little thing.  If a guest spilled something, we wouldn't flip out.  We would offer to help clean it up.  That is how we need to be towards our spouse.  Treat them how we want to be treated.  Treat them as if they are the most important and precious thing in the word.  They are, and they should be treated as such.  Why would we treat them in a way we don't want others to treat them or even ourselves?  When we think about things this way, we take a step back and realize that we have room for improvement.  When we focus on kindness and serving others, there is a change that takes over in the relationship.

Week 9: Managing Conflict; Consecrating Ourselves

            In our readings this week, we read a talk from Elder Lynn G. Robbins of the 70.  Elder Robbins was speaking to the world, at the April 1998 General Conference.  Elder Robbins said, “The family is also Satan’s primary target. He is waging war on the family. One of his schemes is the subtle and cunning way he has of sneaking behind enemy lines and entering our very homes and lives. He damages and often destroys families within the walls of their own homes. His strategy is to stir up anger between family members.”  Oh, how I feel that this is even more prevalent—almost 20 years later!  While I can see similarities and differences in my family compared to when I was a kid, I feel sorry for the contention that Satan is causing.  He wants families to fall apart and fail.  Before Satan works on children, he works on causing issues within the marriage.

            Of course, what is the best thing we can do to help our marriages?  Perhaps speaking kindly and not getting upset and angry with them.  Elder Robbins stated, “Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose! To those who say, “But I can’t help myself,” author William Wilbanks responds: “Nonsense.”

            In the end, we control our own actions.  If we can contain ourselves and not go off on co-workers, employers, students, store workers, etc—then we can work on containing our anger towards our spouse and children.  Unfortunately, you can see the world we live in and how people have no control anymore.  They are fighting, getting angry with others and resorting to violence, instead of resolving issues they have.

            Goddard stated that “the vast majority of relationships can survive and flourish if each of us brings our whole sole as an offering…We enter marriage expecting our needs to be met.  No partner on the face of the earth can meet all our needs."  We need to understand that most people will never have a fairy tail life.  I would love to meet the person who is never met with someone saying an unkind word or opposition and trials in their marriage

            My husband often jokes when he does something wrong, “well, you are perfect, so that wouldn’t have happened”.  In all honesty, we know we aren’t perfect and know just what it takes to push each others buttons.

            How can we get past the not-so-happily ever after? First, we need to realize that marriage is not a fairy tale. Life is not always full of happy endings, nor do most people get swept up from a prince riding a horse. Goddard helps us understand how we can communicate with our spouses: "When we have unmet needs, we humbly invite: 'I could sure use a hand with putting the kids to bed tonight. Is this something you could help me with?' We give gladly and we receive graciously."  Quite simply, we need to be kind with one another.  We need to focus on how we can serve those we are married to and love them, unconditionally.  We need to understand others have faults—as do we—and that’s what makes us human.  We are all part of this game of Life.  We all want to end the game and be happy.  We can, but it takes effort.  We know that there will be bumps and detours along the way.  But, in the end, we can be happy if we follow the Savior and his teachings.

Week 8: Beware of Pride

I really appreciated the lesson this week on Pride.  I feel like this is something that can be discussed over and over again.  There are so many different aspects to pride, that it wouldn’t feel repetitive based on how you went about discussing this topic.

On my mission, I had a really hard time with several companions.  I’m not kidding when I had those companions that people would see at Zone Meetings or Mission Conferences, and missionaries would pray not to get them-- I always got them.  It almost got to be a running joke with some elders I came out with.  I used to think my Mission President hated me.  They would always assure me, President doesn’t hate you.  But after the 4^th or 5^th one, they were like, “okay, maybe president doesn’t like you?”  It was a question, because no one understood why I would end up with them.

I also ended up having an Emergency Transfer (ET) on my mission—twice.  Once was from my trainer who was pretty much apostate.  The other was to help another sister companionship in my zone.  They were struggling big time, so President decided he would ET both of our companionships, and I was sent the problem companion.  Needless to say, my letters and journal entries were less than spiritual or uplifting during these times.  I remember discussion at length doctrine with my Dad.  He always had such great advice.  He constantly would warn me about the pride cycle and how pride can be evident even in our missionary companionships. 

The proud man (or woman) cannot be helped, and until we repent, we are just going to be miserable.  We need to learn to get rid of our pride and come unto the Savior (Either 12:27), and he will show us our weaknesses and help us to overcome them.  Remember that his grace is sufficient for all of us (he is not going to run out of grace) And he CAN fix all of our problems, if we humble ourselves and let him do it.  This is something that I had to do over and over on my mission with my companions.  It is something I must do in my marriage as well.

In President Benson’s 1989 talk “Beware of Pride”, he counsels: “In the scriptures there is no such thing as righteous pride—it is always considered a sin. Therefore, no matter how the world uses the term, we must understand how God uses the term so we can understand the language of holy writ and profit thereby. Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing.

The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.

When we step back, we must realize that we need to not have enmity.  I will admit that there are times where I am prideful and have to work through them.  I need to rely on the savior and make sure that pride doesn’t come into my relationship with my husband in our relationship with each other.  Being prideful does nothing to bring us closer to the Savior—it pushes us further apart.

Week 7: Staying Emotionally Connected

One of the best ways that a couple can strengthen their marriage, is simply having faith in Jesus Christ.  Christ was the perfect example of the life we should live like.  We should try to emulate his life and to serve and love all those around us.  Christ taught us that even the little things can be big.  That having faith as tiny as a mustard seed, can grow great things.  We can apply this principle into our marriages.  Marriages take work.  Just as you wouldn’t simply plant a mustard seed and leave it, you can’t just start a marriage and not do anything to nourish it.  If you leave it unattended, weeds will creep up, it may end up withering away and dying.  Marriages require work.  The Savior taught us this.

The Savior loved everyone.  He taught us that we need to do the little things in life and sometimes those are all it takes.  A simple act of service, a hug, kind words, etc.  If we focus on these areas in our marriages, it will help our marriage flourish.  That isn’t to say that we don’t need to pray together or read our scriptures.  Christ taught parables and lessons—which we find in the scriptures.  He taught us to pray.  Not just pray, but to truly plead and speak to our Heavenly Father. 

When you think about ways that strengthen a marriage one I think of is faith in Christ. As we look at His life and example we are shown that little things bring great things. When He did little things for the children they would show their love back to Him. This is what can happen in any relationship. When we take the time to do little things for others even if we don’t think it would do or mean anything to them that is what makes the difference. More people need to slow down, and take the time to do little things for others. This is what makes great relationships.

Perhaps the greatest gift we can learn from Christ is the gift Charity.  Charity is a gift from Heavenly Father and it is the pure love of Christ.  “Wherefore my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ…”(Moroni 7:47)

When we take the time to focus on the teachings of the Savior in our marriage (and our lives), we can become focused on sustained when times of trouble come.  That isn’t to say that if you follow Christ you will have no problems.  However, I have seen a difference in the lives of those who try their hardest to follow Christ, compared to those who just go with the flow.  The people who follow Christ, to the best of their ability—despite their short comings—are happier. 

Week 6: Cherishing Your Spouse

When a couple gets married, you give up things and sacrifice for one another.  This is something that everyone should do in order to have your marriage become stronger.  When I think back to my marriage, I think back to never having an “alone” time to get to know my husband.  Let me explain.  I married my husband and he had 6 children from his previous marriage.  What did I sacrifice?  I sacrificed a special time in our lives that most newlyweds spend to get to know each other more.  I gave up my weekends of doing silly things, cheap dates, and in return gave him myself.  I ended up being an instant mom and when my husband lost his job, I gave up my salary in order to pay his child support.  Why?  I was asked that often.  I sacrificed for him, just as I felt he would have done the same for me if roles were reversed.  We married each other—for better or for worse.  Sure, the worse seemed to probably outweigh the better at times, but we have some beautiful children and family from our marriage.

President Eyring said in his talk, Our Perfect Example, “the greatest joys and the greatest sorrows we experience are in family relationships. The joys come from putting the welfare of others above our own. That is what love is. And the sorrow comes primarily from selfishness, which is the absence of love. The ideal God holds for us is to form families in the way most likely to lead to happiness and away from sorrow.”  Sure, there are times I felt jipped, for not having that newlywed/childless stage.  I often wonder if I would be a better parent, as I would be learning as I go, instead of becoming one overnight.  While I have felt sorrow in my own home, I have felt the greatest of joys as well.  No doubt, those come as we choose to not be selfish and to serve one another.  I think service is the key in relationships.  There are times when I’m annoyed with my husband and tend to nag at him, complaining about what he hasn’t done.  Surely, he could turn around and do the same for me—asking why the house wasn’t perfect, or why the family is having leftovers.  My family, at the end of the day, regardless of what things I can check off my list, hopefully know that they are loved and will always be loved—even when I’m frustrated.

Once piece of advice I took from our reading, was to pray for our spouse (and children).  Pray for the good in them.  I think we are often overcome and tend to only see the bad, and fail to remind them of the good they do.  My husband has been frustrated with his job lately.  I’m sure that I could have helped ease a bit of his frustration, had I been more open to appreciating the long hours he puts in, to support our families.  He is a great individual and does great things for our family.

Week 5: Behaviors that Negatively Affect Marriage

I really enjoyed studying this week.  I find it a little ironic that I posted either in my discussion board, or response last week about Fireproof--only to have that be part of our learning this week.  It is a favorite movie in our marriage.

My husband and I know lots of couples, as do most people.  I don't like talking about my marriage, as I feel that I have so much to learn and work on.  My husband and I tend to be more negative sentiment-type of people.  Not that we want to be this way, but I think it honestly stems from relationships and hard challenges in our lives.  So, instead of focusing on my marriage, I would like to talk about some good friends of ours.

I have known this couple for 12 years.  They are so wonderful and are truly a couple I wish we could emulate.  They have a large family, but you never seem to hear them complain about life.  Truly, I hear more about how wonderful and great their spouse is.  They definitely are a positive sentiment override, type of couple.  If I'm at an activity with them, they always speak very highly of their spouse.  They talk about how wonderful they are, or something positive about them.  It isn't in a boasting or prideful way.  It goes perfectly along with what we are speaking about.  For instance, we could be speaking about dinner and he would talk about how wonderful of a meal his wife made.  I could be speaking with his wife, and she would talk about how hard her husband works, or the service he gives to others.  I see this true on local Facebook groups we are in as well.  He is an attorney, and I see her recommend her husband for various people, for various reasons.  She could easily just say his name and number, but she lists the qualities that would draw someone in to choosing him.

Something that I strive to do is to focus on being positively about my marriage and my husband.  This way, when I'm positive, when our tough and hard times come--which they will--I'm in a situation where I'm winning as I'm being positive about the situation and to not have those things make our marriage/relationship so unbalanced.  I feel that this is something I was good at several years ago.  You want to be happy in your life and marriage.  Your marriage will be more likely to succeed if you focus on being happy and have that for your foundation, instead of having your foundation be built on unhappiness.

In John Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman describes Positive Sentiment Override as: "Positive thoughts about each other and their marriage are so pervasive that they tend to supersede their negative feelings."

Week 4: Doctrine of Eternal Marriage

When reading about the wolves, as described in Elder Bruce C. Hafen’s talk entitled “Covenant Marriage”, I feel that the most detrimental wolf is that of the second one.  The second wolf is that their own imperfections will test them.  I have seen people who literally are verbally abused by others.  They are constantly put down and feel that they have little to offer the world, that they aren’t good enough, loved enough and have nothing they can offer.  Personally, I think of a couple we were friends with.  The mother worked full time while the father was finishing his degree.  Never once did we ever hear her speak positively about her husband.  It was always what he was doing wrong, yelling and telling him everything but what a good person he is.  Eventually, he had enough and mentally had a breakdown.  At first, we thought he was crazy, but we soon realized that she caused him to feel he was of no worth.  When he got the help, and saw him away from her (they ended up divorcing), we realized how amazing he was.  We realized then, just how powerful, negative comments can be.  On the other hand, I’ve seen those individuals with little to no self-esteem, who have blossomed and gained so much self-worth.  I love when I see men and women praising their spouses, continually.  It is amazing what positive influence you can have by speaking kindly and praising individuals, and how that can truly build and mold an individual. 

Husbands and wives, in marriage, can draw near to the Lord as they cherish each other.  Married couples become blessed through the uniting of their unique natures.  Elder Bednar’s talk, “"Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan”, he spoke of the relationships of husbands and wives.  Elder Bednar said that couples will “individually and steadily come unto Christ and be perfected in him.  As they are drawn to the lord as they serve and cherish one another.”  We must teach correct principles in the home and church.  When we give our companion our highest priority, love and respect and affection, our children will see these characteristics and will want it part of their own lives and marriages.  Couples will not grow closer as they speak negatively and bring each other down.  They will grow further apart.