Week 6: Cherishing Your Spouse

When a couple gets married, you give up things and sacrifice for one another.  This is something that everyone should do in order to have your marriage become stronger.  When I think back to my marriage, I think back to never having an “alone” time to get to know my husband.  Let me explain.  I married my husband and he had 6 children from his previous marriage.  What did I sacrifice?  I sacrificed a special time in our lives that most newlyweds spend to get to know each other more.  I gave up my weekends of doing silly things, cheap dates, and in return gave him myself.  I ended up being an instant mom and when my husband lost his job, I gave up my salary in order to pay his child support.  Why?  I was asked that often.  I sacrificed for him, just as I felt he would have done the same for me if roles were reversed.  We married each other—for better or for worse.  Sure, the worse seemed to probably outweigh the better at times, but we have some beautiful children and family from our marriage.

President Eyring said in his talk, Our Perfect Example, “the greatest joys and the greatest sorrows we experience are in family relationships. The joys come from putting the welfare of others above our own. That is what love is. And the sorrow comes primarily from selfishness, which is the absence of love. The ideal God holds for us is to form families in the way most likely to lead to happiness and away from sorrow.”  Sure, there are times I felt jipped, for not having that newlywed/childless stage.  I often wonder if I would be a better parent, as I would be learning as I go, instead of becoming one overnight.  While I have felt sorrow in my own home, I have felt the greatest of joys as well.  No doubt, those come as we choose to not be selfish and to serve one another.  I think service is the key in relationships.  There are times when I’m annoyed with my husband and tend to nag at him, complaining about what he hasn’t done.  Surely, he could turn around and do the same for me—asking why the house wasn’t perfect, or why the family is having leftovers.  My family, at the end of the day, regardless of what things I can check off my list, hopefully know that they are loved and will always be loved—even when I’m frustrated.

Once piece of advice I took from our reading, was to pray for our spouse (and children).  Pray for the good in them.  I think we are often overcome and tend to only see the bad, and fail to remind them of the good they do.  My husband has been frustrated with his job lately.  I’m sure that I could have helped ease a bit of his frustration, had I been more open to appreciating the long hours he puts in, to support our families.  He is a great individual and does great things for our family.

Week 5: Behaviors that Negatively Affect Marriage

I really enjoyed studying this week.  I find it a little ironic that I posted either in my discussion board, or response last week about Fireproof--only to have that be part of our learning this week.  It is a favorite movie in our marriage.

My husband and I know lots of couples, as do most people.  I don't like talking about my marriage, as I feel that I have so much to learn and work on.  My husband and I tend to be more negative sentiment-type of people.  Not that we want to be this way, but I think it honestly stems from relationships and hard challenges in our lives.  So, instead of focusing on my marriage, I would like to talk about some good friends of ours.

I have known this couple for 12 years.  They are so wonderful and are truly a couple I wish we could emulate.  They have a large family, but you never seem to hear them complain about life.  Truly, I hear more about how wonderful and great their spouse is.  They definitely are a positive sentiment override, type of couple.  If I'm at an activity with them, they always speak very highly of their spouse.  They talk about how wonderful they are, or something positive about them.  It isn't in a boasting or prideful way.  It goes perfectly along with what we are speaking about.  For instance, we could be speaking about dinner and he would talk about how wonderful of a meal his wife made.  I could be speaking with his wife, and she would talk about how hard her husband works, or the service he gives to others.  I see this true on local Facebook groups we are in as well.  He is an attorney, and I see her recommend her husband for various people, for various reasons.  She could easily just say his name and number, but she lists the qualities that would draw someone in to choosing him.

Something that I strive to do is to focus on being positively about my marriage and my husband.  This way, when I'm positive, when our tough and hard times come--which they will--I'm in a situation where I'm winning as I'm being positive about the situation and to not have those things make our marriage/relationship so unbalanced.  I feel that this is something I was good at several years ago.  You want to be happy in your life and marriage.  Your marriage will be more likely to succeed if you focus on being happy and have that for your foundation, instead of having your foundation be built on unhappiness.

In John Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman describes Positive Sentiment Override as: "Positive thoughts about each other and their marriage are so pervasive that they tend to supersede their negative feelings."

Week 4: Doctrine of Eternal Marriage

When reading about the wolves, as described in Elder Bruce C. Hafen’s talk entitled “Covenant Marriage”, I feel that the most detrimental wolf is that of the second one.  The second wolf is that their own imperfections will test them.  I have seen people who literally are verbally abused by others.  They are constantly put down and feel that they have little to offer the world, that they aren’t good enough, loved enough and have nothing they can offer.  Personally, I think of a couple we were friends with.  The mother worked full time while the father was finishing his degree.  Never once did we ever hear her speak positively about her husband.  It was always what he was doing wrong, yelling and telling him everything but what a good person he is.  Eventually, he had enough and mentally had a breakdown.  At first, we thought he was crazy, but we soon realized that she caused him to feel he was of no worth.  When he got the help, and saw him away from her (they ended up divorcing), we realized how amazing he was.  We realized then, just how powerful, negative comments can be.  On the other hand, I’ve seen those individuals with little to no self-esteem, who have blossomed and gained so much self-worth.  I love when I see men and women praising their spouses, continually.  It is amazing what positive influence you can have by speaking kindly and praising individuals, and how that can truly build and mold an individual. 

Husbands and wives, in marriage, can draw near to the Lord as they cherish each other.  Married couples become blessed through the uniting of their unique natures.  Elder Bednar’s talk, “"Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan”, he spoke of the relationships of husbands and wives.  Elder Bednar said that couples will “individually and steadily come unto Christ and be perfected in him.  As they are drawn to the lord as they serve and cherish one another.”  We must teach correct principles in the home and church.  When we give our companion our highest priority, love and respect and affection, our children will see these characteristics and will want it part of their own lives and marriages.  Couples will not grow closer as they speak negatively and bring each other down.  They will grow further apart.

Week 3: Threats to Marriage

These last days there tends to be trials after trials for all people.  One thing is that we stand for marriage as husband and wife and that we are true and faithful.  Just as we do those things we are asked to do, we will be blessed.  Many times, people think we are asked a lot, which may be true.  But if we are doing the little things, those add up and they aren't so bad after all.

This summer, I was part of a medical conference that just happened to be in Salt Lake City. It was for a life-threatening birth defect my son was born with, Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia (CDH).  I am the Arizona State Representative, and having my son born with this and having the conference where I have family, I couldn't pass it up. Two of the families there, were lesbian couples wo had a baby born with CDH.  I grew to love these families immensely, but it didn't take away from the fact that they have a family situation that we don't agree with.  Does that mean I need to vocally oppose them and not be friends with them? No. I was able to express our ideas on families, more in a subtle way and about who our family is, how we run our family.  What our roles are. How interesting it was, that it tied into our roles in the family having a child born with CDH.  I see these mothers, where one takes on the role of sole provider and is never home.

In the commencement speech by Elder Nelson at BYU in August 2014, he says, Male and female are created for what they can do and become, together. It takes a man and a woman to bring a child into the world. Mothers and fathers are not interchangeable. Men and women are distinct and complementary. Children deserve a chance to grow up with both a mom and a dad.  That is something that I just feel so bad about.  These mothers, are trying to interchange their roles, but these children are missing out on things.  That isn't to say these people are bad or don't offer great things to others, but there is just something about having a mother and father both in the home.

As our homework stated, Elder Nelson assured us that as we stand for marriage and as we remain true and faithful, the Lord will help us and protect us and will also bless our families. By continuing to stand fast in what we believe, and speaking kindly to others about our marriage and spouse, we will bless our families.  People have already commented to my husband and I that we have something different in our marriage. Our kids are blessed to have parents who love them and value traditional marriage.

Week 2: Divorce

Divorce is something that can affect so many people and in different ways.  I was raised in and LDS family in the Midwest.  One where my parents are still married, after 45 years.  Then, I married my husband who was divorced with 6 children.  Many people were against me marrying him.  To be honest, I can’t blame them, especially my parents.  When parents have an idea of who they would like their children to marry, I highly doubt that marrying someone 10 years older than you, and one divorced with 6 children, was at the top of their list. 

                My husband and I have been married for 12 years, 2 years longer than his first marriage.  It’s been a struggle in our marriage and I would say the vast majority of our disagreements deal with his divorce—whether it’s his kids from that marriage, his ex-wife, the back-child support she owes him.   My husband’s youngest child from his first marriage is almost 14.  He separated before he was even a year old.  Yet, this boy still has issues with his parents’ divorce.  In his eyes, the worst thing his parents did was get divorced, even though they weren’t good for each other. 

                Reading the articles and watching videos, from this week, I’ve gained some deeper insights into divorced couples and marriage.  One that I found interesting, is that these parents who take these workshops tend to not go back to court and have healthier relationships with their children and former spouses. Being married to someone who is divorced, who also has sole custody and primary custody of the kids, I’ve seen how taxing it can be to go back and forth in court.  However, I will say that my husband has always wanted the best for his children.  In the end, the court agreed with us and they modified the custody and they all moved to live with us full time.

                In the article from Paul R. Amato, in speaking about step families, “Stepfamily formation is stressful for many children because it often involves…adapting to new people in the household, and learning new rules and routines.” (p. 80, The Future of Children).  This has been a struggle, initially, in our marriage.  There were traditions and things I would have liked to do and things I would like to start.  However, having married someone with an “already established family”, changed the way that I participated.  Sure, I brought some things into our marriage, but I couldn’t change a lot that I probably would have done different.

                A quote I agree with in the reading is, “Regardless of family structure, the quality of parenting is one of the best predictors of children’s emotional and social well-being”.  (p.83, The Future of Children).    Having seen the negative effects of bad parenting, to the point children are removed from the home and placed with the other parent, has strained the relationship the children have with their mother.